


Watching Kaidan

by AnnaRaven



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Everybody wants Kaidan, Love Triangles, M/M, Sexual Content, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 10:06:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7356934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaRaven/pseuds/AnnaRaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James wanted Kaidan before he even knew who he was.  What started as an innocent crush deepened over time, dragging them both into forbidden territory.</p><p>But James wasn't the only one watching Kaidan.  And Shepard liked to play dirty...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vancouver

**Author's Note:**

> This story hit me right out of the blue. I’ve never shipped Kaidan and James before, and I’ve never written a Shepard as Renegade as this one or a story as smutty as this one. But hey, you follow where the muse takes you, right?!
> 
> Be warned, though – this Shepard can be dark and dirty and mean, and certainly isn’t the loving partner I’d usually write for Kaidan. If it sounds like that will bother you, please don’t read any further.

James knew he wanted Kaidan before he even knew who he was.

Alliance headquarters in Vancouver were busier than usual; James could feel the buzz in the air as he tailed Shepard and Anderson to the conference room where the defence committee was waiting. In the courtroom atrium James shook Shepard’s hand, wished him luck with whatever the hell was going on. He knew it must be something serious if they were calling on Shepard, but he wasn’t concerned. He was skilled, well-trained, well-equipped everywhere it counted; whatever was coming, he could handle it.

And then he was blindsided.

Glancing up through the crowded atrium he saw a dark-haired guy in uniform walking towards Anderson, a major’s stripes on his collar. He wasn’t especially tall, no more muscular than any other marine; there wasn’t anything about him that should make him stand out.

But he did. As soon as James’s eyes settled on him, they stuck.

James watched the major greet Anderson then call Shepard’s name; he had the weirdest look on his face, equal parts apprehension and relief. Shepard turned and James knew him well enough by now to note the tension in his shoulders and the catch in his voice as he said, “Kaidan?.” They had history, these two, clear as day. People might write Jimmy Vega off as a meathead, bred for fighting not thinking, but he could be canny and insightful in ways he preferred to keep hidden.

Anderson was oblivious to the tension, or else didn’t care, asking the major how things were going. James stepped back. This wasn’t his business but he was so oddly and suddenly fixated on the major that he strained to listen anyway, doing his best to look disinterested. There was a deep, throaty tone to the major’s voice that grabbed him right by the balls. James let his eyes follow dark sideburns down to a firm jaw, slender throat, squared shoulders; then down across a broad chest, flat stomach, muscled thighs under that same old uniform that had never been anything special. Until today.

Shepard’s face was closed, as ever, but James could see there was a lot flickering under the surface. All he said was, “Major?” but there was a touch of hurt and hostility about it.

Kaidan looked a little chagrined, his countenance more open than most soldiers’. “Sorry, sir. Didn’t mean to keep you out of the loop.”

And wasn’t that interesting? Shepard wasn’t with the Alliance any more, didn’t have any rank to defer to, and the major would have outranked him even if he did. That ‘sir’ told James that he’d served under Shepard, probably on the _Normandy_ ; but the way Kaidan was shifting, glancing around as if he couldn’t look at Shepard, suggested a past intimacy that went beyond commander and crew.

The admiral’s aide came back, summoning them away. James’s job as escort was over and the task of waiting around had begun. The major was still standing there, watching Shepard; James approached before he had time to decide not to and asked the first thing that came into his head.

“You know the commander?”

“I used to.”

That voice…smoke and honey with a wistful edge that twisted something in James’s gut. Then the major turned, looked him in the eye, and he snapped to attention as he should with a superior officer. If it also gave the major a chance to appreciate his impressive physique, even better.

“At ease,” the major said with a quick smile. “Major Kaidan Alenko, good to meet you.”

“Lieutenant James Vega.” He returned the major’s handshake, appreciating the firm grip and calloused skin.

“You’ve been on Shepard’s guard since he got back to Earth?” Alenko asked as they moved aside to let the busy staff move around them.

“Yeah, almost six months now. Wondered when they’d finally ask for his help instead of wasting his talents under house arrest.”

“Any trouble?”

“Do you mean _for_ Shepard or _because of_ Shepard?” James asked drily; Alenko’s chuckle rumbled right into James’s chest. He lifted a shoulder in a shrug that he hoped looked casual. “A few merc groups have tried to get to him, and he’s been going up the walls with nothing to do, making life miserable for the rest of us. Nothin’ major, Major.”

“Sounds like Shepard,” Alenko said.

“Pardon me, sir, but…you served under him on the _Normandy_?”

“I did.”

James nodded, a new respect blooming. “In that case, it’s an honour to meet you, sir.” And then he saluted. He didn’t know why he did, it just seemed right, all the way up until it didn’t.

Kaidan smiled, just a lift of the corner of his mouth. “No need to salute me, lieutenant…though I appreciate the gesture.”

“So you here for the defence talks too?” James asked, scrabbling for normality after the awkward moment.

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded then his mouth quirked up again. “And my folks live here, I was due a visit.”

James had heard explosives detonate before, of course he had, but the suddenness of it and the incongruity of the setting made his head spin. He heard the major shout, “Reapers!” just as a hot wave picked James up, slammed him to the ground. Glass and rubble rained down and he had to quickly roll sideways as a support beam and chunk of ceiling plaster crashed to the floor. His ears rang and dust rushed into his lungs, making him cough.

James got to his feet and drew his handgun, wishing he had his favourite shotgun instead. A huge shadow outside the window made him pause, turned his belly cold; a monstrous black claw dotted with red lights gripped the Vancouver skyline just beyond the shattered glass. There was another explosion, then another, and the floor began rumbling beneath him. Then there came a noise like nothing he’d ever heard, screeching and discordant. It twisted in his guts, wormed inside his head and his bones.

“Lieutenant Vega, are you there?” Alenko’s voice cut through the noise and chaos, and James’s training kicked in at the authoritative tone of a superior officer.

“Over here, sir!” he shouted back, then the major appeared around a fallen beam.

“With me, lieutenant,” Alenko said, and James followed without a second thought.

A staff commander and another major stood nearby, waiting, both deferring to Alenko.

“Commander Waller, Major Patel - you spread out, look for survivors and evacuate as many as you can. Vega and I are going to check on Shepard and the committee.”

The other officers nodded, moving off in different directions, and James followed Alenko into the heart of the building. The conference room walls and ceiling were gone, just heaps of rubble and metal and prone bodies. James helped Alenko check the bloodied figures stretched out in the dust and debris, but there was nobody he recognised, nobody they could help.

The major’s comm transmitter crackled and Alenko stopped, hand covering his ear. “Anderson, I read you.” The major frowned, obviously struggling to hear. “Safe for now, sir, Lieutenant Vega is with me.” He listened again and James prowled their perimeter, looking out for hostiles. He half-listened to the major planning tactics with the admiral, and when he heard the word _Normandy_ his heart skipped. If there was a chance to get on board a legend among warships, he was going to grab it with both hands. His excitement was dampened as he glanced out of the window and saw a sky thick with smoke and enemy shuttles and beyond it all the unsettling, unnerving sight of more Reapers descending. Then it struck him that this was Kaidan’s city, that his family was out there somewhere. _Madre de Dios_ , he couldn’t imagine it, but the major was collected and professional when James glanced his way. Though perhaps, now he was looking, there was something in his eyes that hadn’t been there before.

As they approached the docking bay they ran into the first armed resistance. James slid into cover behind a collapsed support beam, bobbing back around it to pick off some of the heavily armed troops disembarking from a transport shuttle and boiling into Alliance HQ. He saw Kaidan move out of the corner of his eye, then three enemy soldiers were thrown up into the air in a fierce blue wave of energy. The major stepped out to calmly take them down with three perfect headshots before ducking back into cover. It was terrible to behold, beautiful in its brutality. James was impressed, and he didn’t impress easily.

A knot of Alliance soldiers emerged from a side corridor, firing on the troops in a controlled formation. “With me, lieutenant,” Kaidan shouted and the two ran up to bolster the resistance; within minutes all the hostiles had been neutralised for only one Alliance casualty.

When Kaidan sprinted for the _Normandy_ , James followed. Various crewmembers acknowledged Kaidan as he ran for the bridge, a few firing looks at James. The pilot greeted Kaidan with, “Well, well, if it isn’t Commander Prissy Pants.”

“That’s Major Prissy Pants, actually,” Kaidan said, sliding into the co-pilot’s seat as if he were born to do it.

James stood around feeling like a spare part, shut out of the moment and the weight of whatever had gone on between those two in the past, and did everyone know the major but him? Then he shook it off and took himself down to the armoury to see if he could grab some more effective weaponry. The noise and chaos were exhilarating, in an awful kind of way, and James felt his blood heat with adrenaline and anticipation.

It was natural for him to stay onboard when the _Normandy_ left Anderson behind on Earth. He’d always followed Shepard after all, one way or another. Why should today be any different?

* * *

 

_Shepard was like a captured lion, prowling around his apartment; plush though it was, it was still a cage._

_James watched him open the fridge then close it, take a book from a shelf then return it, walk to the window and stare out, unseeing. “Sit down or something, esé,” he said from his spot on the couch. “You’re putting me on edge.”_

_"Pardon me, lieutenant, if my enforced and unjust house arrest is an inconvenience to you.” There was an edge to his voice but no malice, which meant he was pissed off but not at James. “Am I keeping you from a session at the golf club?”_

_“Maybe the gun club,” James grinned, flexing his biceps._

_Shepard’s eyes narrowed, then he grinned and dropped onto the couch beside him. “That’s an awful familiar tone to take with your prisoner, James.” His arm was resting along the back of the couch, inches from James’s neck, and his voice had dropped._

_"You’re not_ my _prisoner,” James shrugged, edgy._

_Shepard nodded, inscrutable. Those eyes, ice blue and piercing, had a way of stripping away his layers to leave James feeling exposed in a way he wasn’t sure he liked. It made him horny and uncomfortable at the same time._

_Shepard had always been James’s role model. He knew that the commander had overcome a difficult youth just like James had, that he was once a criminal and a gangbanger. If Shepard could escape a troubled background and adolescent brush with criminality and go on to be one of the youngest N7 inductees in Alliance history, then just maybe James could do it too. His squadmates in Delta Squad had made fun of him about it, calling Shepard his girlfriend, mocking the_ Normandy _memorial pin on his uniform, but he didn’t care. Shepard personified the Alliance to James, the ideal Marine, what he aspired to be._

_What did they say about never meeting your heroes?_

_"Come spar with me,” Shepard said suddenly._

_“_ _What? No! I’m your guard, Shepard, not your personal trainer.”_

_"Come on, James, I need to burn off some energy and you clearly know your way around a workout room. Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you. Much.”_ _He pushed James’s shoulder, not hard but hard enough._

_"I don’t know, man,” James said, standing to put some distance between them. “I don’t think the brass would be too happy.”_

_"The brass won’t know,” Shepard said, uncoiling from the couch like a python. “Besides, you’ll be looking after my health and well-being, which I’m pretty sure is part of your remit.”_

_James shrugged, scratched his jaw with a thick thumb. “Alright, whatever. You wanna get your ass handed to you, it’s your funeral.”_

_"Fuck, not another one,” Shepard said blithely, heading for the fitness room and expecting James to follow, pulling his shirt off and dropping it as he walked. James shook his head and went after him. Shepard was too good at throwing him, putting him off kilter._

_In the back room Shepard was down to just dog tags and sweatpants, bare feet pale against the dark blue mats on the floor. He was shadow boxing against the punching bag and James couldn’t help looking at all that exposed skin gleaming under the lights, lean muscle flexing. There were plenty of scars, some pretty severe, but they didn’t detract from the harsh beauty of Shepard’s body as it moved and flowed from punch to punch._

_Shepard looked over, grinned. “Just going to watch me, James? Kinky.”_

_James ignored the heat, the subtext. “You wanna spar or just talk me into submission?”_

_"I’m ready to take you,” Shepard said, eyes sparking, voice throaty. The flirtation was deliberate, a ploy to unsettle him, and James sidestepped it as he raised his fists and began circling Shepard._

_He’d never fought an opponent like Shepard, in training or in combat. He was slippery, quick, feinting and ducking almost faster than James could follow. Still, James was no slouch and took great satisfaction in every hit he landed, in the surprise and annoyance in Shepard’s eyes when he realised there was more there than just muscle and raw power._

_A punch thudded against Shepard’s ribs, a_ whumpf _of breath brushing James’s skin. “You’ve got some moves, James,” Shepard said, breathless._

_"Don’t worry, old timer, I don’t mind teaching you what I know,” James said, dialling up the cockiness. It put people on the back foot, made them underestimate him. But Shepard was wily, experienced at reading people, and it slid right off him as he unleashed a tirade of punches; high, low, under James’s guard and catching his jaw._

_James staggered back a step, ears ringing from the blow, and Shepard took the chance to sweep his legs out from under him. He crashed to the floor and Shepard pinned him._

_"Give up?” Shepard asked, strong hands on James’s wrists. His dog tags hung down, brushing James’s chest. His sweatpants had slipped, barely holding onto his hips, stretched tight across his groin and thighs. James looked at the light gleaming on Shepard’s toothy grin, the tiny beads of sweat across his forehead; he could smell clean sweat and rubber from the mats._

_"Never,” he grunted, heaving Shepard over and slamming his back to the floor. Shepard groaned as the wind was knocked from his lungs, half-laughing and half-whimpering. The fight had gone out of him and James grinned, enjoying the victory. Then Shepard lifted his hips and James felt the commander’s erection underneath him, stirring a response in kind. Shepard let himself go limp in James’s grip, burning eyes fastened on his face. His intent was clear and James couldn’t think, couldn’t move._

_Clarity muscled in and James stood, offering Shepard a hand to pull him up but not making eye contact. Shepard strolled away from him, casual and loose-limbed, aware that James was watching. He grabbed a towel from the shelf, threw one to James too. “Great workout,” he said. “Next time I have energy to burn I know who to call.”_

_James didn’t have a reply so he saluted and walked away, Shepard’s hoarse chuckle following him._

_He thought about it later. He was a horny guy, generally speaking, and it didn’t take a lot to get his motor running. Shepard was a hero to him, not to mention sexy and intentionally unsettling. James's physical reaction was easily explained; what he couldn’t figure out was how he felt about it. He wasn’t entirely sure he liked Shepard all that much. He knew the guy had been through it the last few years but his temper ran quick and hot, he enjoyed making people uncomfortable and he could be casually cruel when the mood took him. He was undoubtedly a brilliant Marine, and clearly had strong principles, but he wasn’t what you’d call a nice guy._

_Not that James was looking for a nice guy, necessarily. Or any guy, not right now. He’d kept that side of things casual since joining up, taking his pleasures on shore leave but never forming attachments. Shepard wasn’t someone he wanted to be with, not long-term, and he sure couldn’t screw his prisoner unless he wanted to screw his career at the same time. So he put it aside, the attraction and the confusion, and focused on his job. This assignment wasn’t forever; soon enough Shepard would be out of his hair._


	2. Mars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay with this chapter, I've been so tied up with Breathless that this story fell by the wayside but I'm back on it now! Thanks for sticking with me :)

Cerberus troops on Mars – that was unexpected.

The tension between Alenko and Shepard – that was unexpected too, and James felt a lot less equipped to deal with it. One firefight he could deal with, but for some reason Alenko was sniping at his commander even in the heat of everything else, wanting to know if Shepard was in on it. James frowned inside his helmet; Alenko must know he was on an open comms channel but that didn’t stop him questioning the commander or letting suspicion bleed into his voice.

There was no let-up even after the hostiles were neutralised, the elevator up to the archives much less comfortable than the battlefield had been. Alenko was needling, angry, openly suspicious. Shepard answered the major but James could hear the tightness in his voice, see the way his weight settled onto one hip, and he knew the commander was getting angry. But he kept listening to Alenko, answering his accusations, keeping his temper in check admirably. James was surprised; he’d never seen Shepard so controlled except with the admiralty, and even then the hostility wasn’t so much veiled as flaunted. Alenko clearly had earned some restraint, some explanation, but he apparently didn’t appreciate it. James couldn’t help but think that he sounded more like a hurt lover than a squadmate or friend.

James shifted, turned away from them, subtly fiddled with the controls on his breather helmet to try to shut off the comms but with no success. Then he heard it in Shepard’s voice; the thinning and sharpening that meant he was about to lose it. There was an instinct to protect Alenko, or maybe save him from himself, so James interrupted them to assure the major that Shepard hadn’t been in contact with Cerberus or anyone else. Alenko began to apologise but was cut off by the hiss of the elevator decompressing.

Everyone took off their helmets, taking in lungfuls of air that hadn’t been recycled too many times already. James noticed first the tension in Shepard’s bearing, his jaw, his eyes; then how rumpled Kaidan looked, how his lips parted, how his eyes tracked Shepard’s every move.

Shepard began to walk away, then swung back. “I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you, Kaidan. You don’t trust me, that’s your choice, but I am done explaining myself to you. Are we clear?”

“Perfectly,” Kaidan said, trailing Shepard off the elevator, oblivious to James’s presence. “I’m sorry, Shepard. I didn’t mean…”

A clanging from the pipes overhead cut that off too; it looked like Kaidan wasn’t going to have a chance to get that apology out today. James ducked into cover beside Shepard, focussed on the potential threat ahead. A grate fell; an asari appeared; then there was blue light and soldiers flying and the hairs all over his body standing on end as the air became charged and dense. The asari calmly shot her pursuers, watched them fall, then stood over them to finish them off.

 _Mierda_ , this one could be trouble. James moved smoothly from cover, gun swinging up to point right between those beautiful, liquid eyes.

Shepard batted his gun aside casually. “Easy there, lieutenant. She’s with us.”

James watched a tender reunion, softly murmured names and a lingering hug. He glanced over at Kaidan, who was also watching them, looking happy and sad and lost and confused and hurt and chagrined and how was it even possible for one face to be so expressive?

The asari, Liara, said, “I was worried when the reports came in. They hit Earth hard?”

Kaidan stepped up, breaking into the bubble. “Yeah. It was hard to leave like that.”

Liara looked at him, full of sympathy and understanding. “I’m sorry.” She had no hug for Kaidan, James noticed.

When Liara confirmed she knew what was going on, relief rolled over him; James always preferred to know what he was fighting, to have something to hit. He couldn’t help but notice the sourness on Kaidan’s face when Cerberus was mentioned and almost shook his head. The man was an open book, and he was damn lucky Shepard was distracted. James didn’t get why Kaidan kept pushing him; he’d gathered that there was bad blood there, that Shepard’s work with Cerberus was a sore point, but the major just needed to shut up about it. This wasn’t the time or place, and anyway it was best settled with a little dance, a few good punches, then move on and put it the hell behind you.

Liara explained about the Protheans’ plans to destroy the Reapers – Kaidan said, “And anything powerful enough to destroy the Reapers…”

“Just might be something Cerberus would be interested in,” Shepard finished.

James blinked. Finishing the major’s sentence, a shared glance that skated past Liara but hit James in the face; oh yeah, these guys had been hooking up once upon a time. That revelation really shouldn’t arouse him as much as it did.

There was a screech behind them, a glowing line of sparks outlining the door. James’s pulse kicked up a notch, a shot of adrenaline in his veins getting his body pumped after the lull of too much talking and not enough action. Shepard began moving for the tramway and James was happy to follow; right up until the commander benched him. He couldn’t hold in his frustration when Shepard told him to get back to the shuttle, cover the exits. “I need you,” Shepard said, but James knew a brush off when he heard one. His eyes flicked to Kaidan and saw sympathy, empathy in that dark gaze.

He knew Shepard enough to know that arguing was pointless, but damn it, he did it anyway. The response was what he expected, and bitter disappointment coursed through him as he left those three who’d had each others’ backs before he ever met them.

As the elevator took him back down he heard boots on concrete, the chatter of gunfire, the ear-popping whoomp of biotics flaring. He might be out of the fight, but he wasn’t done yet.

* * *

 

When James heard Shepard’s panicked, “Damn it! James! Anybody!” over the comms, he reacted before he’d thought it through, just like his _abuela_ always told him not to.

“I got this one!” he yelled, allowing adrenaline and excitement free rein as he steered the shuttle into the escaping Cerberus craft. It was a brilliant idea, a tactical masterstroke. Or at least, it was until the flaming shuttle narrowly missed the squad he was there to rescue.

Down on the ground Kaidan was helping Liara towards the NS1, her arm around his shoulders, his hand on her waist. They were outlined against the blazing wreck of the Cerberus shuttle and James felt a stir of pride that he’d stopped those unethical _putos_ in their tracks. The smugness disappeared when the door flew off the wrecked shuttle, the metallic figure in its doorway an obscene mockery of the female form.

Kaidan pushed Liara towards Shepard, turned smoothly and began firing at the mech as it sprinted towards him. Every shot hit perfectly - centre mass, then head shots – but the mech kept coming.

It was like being underwater. James’s vision was blurred around the edges; everything moved too slowly; sound became warped, too loud then deeply muffled; his heart thumped painfully and everything in him screamed at him to move, but Liara needed him to hold her up.

The mech was three paces from Kaidan, then two; then a hand fastened on his helmet and it lifted him like he was a doll and why wasn’t Shepard there yet? Liara was trembling in James’s arms, her face stricken and as pale as he’d ever seen blue asari skin get.

James’s stomach lurched when the mech drew Kaidan back, gathering momentum to slam him against the shuttle once, twice. There was an audible crack, armour or bone, he wasn’t sure, then Shepard managed to get in the lucky shot that finally took it down.

Kaidan’s body lay prone, abandoned, broken. Shepard was on his knees, hand hovering as though afraid to touch him. He glanced over, saw James, barked, “Grab that thing, bring it with us.”

James nodded, never one to refuse a direct order, but his skin crawled as he touched the hot metal. His eyes fell on those strong fingers that had just a second ago been around Kaidan’s faceplate; he threw the limp mech into the NS1 with perhaps more force than was necessary.

The shuttle ride back to the Normandy was painful. Nobody spoke but Shepard, who murmured to Kaidan all the way, holding one gauntleted hand in both of his own. Liara sat behind Shepard, a hand on his shoulder, and the tableau spoke volumes of the trust and bond between them.

Back on board everyone’s focus was on Kaidan. Nobody noticed James carry the mech into the medbay, dump it on a free bed. Nobody saw him fold his arms, lean against the wall, strive for calm as Shepard bent over the major’s body. When the commander told Joker to race for the Citadel, the pilot’s tone was free from sarcasm for the first time in James’s recollection. When a call came in from Admiral Hackett, Shepard scrubbed his face and went to take it. Liara left too, without a word to James, and then it was just him and Kaidan, alone in the quiet.

So nobody saw James stand by the major’s bed, trace a hand over the scarred and pitted blue metal plates of his armour. Nobody saw the way his jaw ticked and clenched as he clamped down on the emotions he couldn’t understand or begin to process.

“You got some _cojones_ , Major, I’ll give you that. Just don’t ever fuckin’ do that again, _lo_ _entiendes_?” He looked around, licked his lips, then glanced up toward the ceiling. “ _Dios_ , my _abuela_ swears up and down that you’re legit. So if that’s true, and she is usually right about most things, then I’m asking you to get the major up and moving again. I’m asking for him, not me; he deserves this, I can already tell he’s one of the bravest mother…uh, soldiers I’ve met. So, y’know, uh…amen. And thanks.”

He stepped back, scrubbed a hand over his short hair, a little bit embarrassed and a little bit not. “What have you done to me, huh, major?” he said to the quiet room. “Just wake up already so you can explain it to me.”


	3. Working Out

Shepard came back from the Citadel one day with a smile on his face, relaxed enough to banish the worry lines that had been there since Mars. Kaidan was fine, he told the crew, just a few complications with his bio-amp but nothing serious. He’d be up and about soon. James took that knowledge and nursed it to himself. He didn’t even know if he’d ever see the major again, but it was good to know he was okay.

A few weeks later and James was finally beginning to feel settled. He had his own little nook down on the shuttle bay with a bed and a desk, quiet and close to his work. He had a couple of new sets of fatigues from Requisitions, and a sweet set of armour that Shepard had authorised on the Citadel without a second thought. He had a chin-up bar and a punching bag, a section of the hard floor covered with exercise mats to make a sort of workout area that some of the crew had started using too. Best of all, he had purpose and intent, something to get him up in the morning, make him proud to serve, and a crew he was beginning to view as friends.  Esteban he knew from his days at Fehl Prime and they immediately fell into their old rhythm of chat and banter, effortless and genuine. Scars was hard to read at first until James discovered that dry sense of humour and competitive streak, and after that it was easy. Dr Chakwas was dry and cool, but now and then he caught a wicked glint in her eye, and James was good with that. Liara was hot and sweet but hard-edged, with a tight body that even he could appreciate.

The days went by, one mission after another. Sometimes James made the ground crew – watching Palaven burn had been especially rough, too much like Earth – and sometimes he didn’t, but his relationship with Shepard seemed solid. Now that Shepard was back in his element, with a ship to command and a universe to save, he’d stopped with the flirting and innuendo that had characterised their relationship back in Vancouver. And besides, the commander spent a lot of time ‘reviewing Shadow Broker documents’ with Liara so obviously his attention had moved on.

And then one day, like an answer to a prayer, Kaidan was back on the _Normandy_ , and James was happy and worried and fuckin’ _petrified_. He knew that Shepard and the major had drawn guns on each other on the Citadel, that Udina’s treachery had almost driven the commander to shoot his former lover. James couldn’t imagine being in that position; he could absolutely imagine Shepard pulling the trigger.

James was in the mess, shoving down the last of an unappealing meal, when he glanced up and caught the sour look on Garrus’s face. James licked his fingers to clear the last few crumbs, tilted his head, asked him, “Wanna grab a drink, man? You look like you’re carryin’ the universe on those scrawny shoulders.

“Sure,” Garrus replied, with a twitch of his face that James was coming to assume meant amusement. "And by scrawny I assume you mean lean and perfectly proportioned."

“Whatever makes you feel good, Scars.”

They went up to the lounge, popped a couple of bottles open, slumped onto the sofa. Hanging out with the turian was comfortable and easy in a way James hadn’t been expecting, and they talked about nothing much for a while. Garrus didn’t want to talk about the Citadel, about wondering whether he’d have to kill a former teammate who was too inflexible for his own good. So James carefully, cautiously asked about what it had been like chasing Saren across the galaxy way back when.

Garrus chuckled. “I’m going to need another drink if we’re getting into that.” He got one for himself, handed a beer to James, settled himself down again. He watched the stars for a while then said, “I first met Shepard on the Citadel back before anyone realised what a threat Saren really was. I guess you could say we bonded over a hatred of bureaucracy and a shared frustration with our so-called superiors. Joining the crew was…well, rocky at times…not everyone was pleased to have a turian on board, but Shepard wouldn’t stand for any kind of xenophobia on his ship.”

“Good. Guess some things don’t change.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. He was different back then,” Garrus said carefully, eyes still fixed on the stars. “Not so…mercurial, I guess. But then, dying and being resurrected by your former enemy would probably do that to anyone. And he was hurt, I think, that not everyone trusted him again right away. Especially Kaidan.”

“Yeah? I figured those two were tight.”

“They were,” Garrus nodded. “More than they should have been according to the nonsense Alliance regulations. But when Shepard reappeared it took Kaidan a long time to make peace with it, and longer for them to forgive each other.”

“Seems like the major should’ve been happy to see him,” James said, throwing an arm along the back of the couch and slouching a little more to appear casual, to cover up how desperately interested he was in Garrus’s insights.

Garrus smiled, scars lifting, something wry about the angles of his face. “Kaidan is a stickler for honesty and integrity. He thought Shepard had cut him out and joined a terrorist group, wouldn’t listen to sense for the longest time. I was there when he tore a strip off Shepard back on Horizon. It was brutal.”

James nodded. “He was the same on Mars, like a dog with a bone.”

Garrus took another drink. “Seems like they’ve patched things up now, though.”

“Guess so,” James said, scratching his jaw. “Think they’ll hook up again?”

“Don’t know, don’t care,” Garrus said, eyes closing.

“Right. Me too,” James said, sniffing.

Garrus smiled.

* * *

James was working on an idea for improving the ammo integration on his hand cannon when he heard the elevator open. He ignored it; if someone wanted him he’d soon know, but it was probably one of the crew looking to use the workout area he’d set up.

He saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He glanced over. He swallowed hard.

Kaidan was setting down a towel and water bottle by the wall. He wore a fitted white exercise shirt and his mid-thigh shorts were pulled tight against that perfect ass as he bent over. James unthinkingly adjusted his crotch, licked his lips, as Kaidan began a series of stretches that showed off just how flexible he was. _Yeah, sure, why not - let’s add that to the list of things I shouldn’t be thinking about but always do just when I’m about to pop my cork._

Kaidan began to run, a series of shuttles to the far wall and back again. His gait was loose and easy, his style efficient and clean. Because of course. James carried on with his work, glancing over every now and again. Things went that way for about a half hour before Kaidan stopped, picked up his bottle and took a long drink; James absolutely in no way watched every single mouthful flex its way down that sexy, sweaty throat.

The major in uniform was a distraction, but like this he was dangerous. The thin workout shirt clung to powerful shoulders, hard pecs and ridged abs. Muscled thighs and toned calves flexed as the major shook out his legs and the sheen of sweat on his skin was like an all-you-can-eat buffet to James’s suddenly raging libido. He looked resolutely away, tried to ignore Kaidan’s soft grunts as he did whatever the hell he was doing over there. His head may as well have been on a string; within a minute he was looking again.

The major was sitting now, legs bent at the knee, with his feet tucked under the edge of a crate. He was doing crunches and _Dios_ , James could see abs flexing where that thin white shirt was clinging to damp skin. But the crate was shifting with every crunch, which had to be frustrating, so James shrugged to himself and decided that helping an officer with his workout wasn’t doing anything wrong.

“Looks like you could use a spotter there, Major.”

“I’m fine, don’t want to distract you.”

“ _Di nada_ ,” James shrugged. “Move back a little.”

Kaidan shuffled back and bent his legs again. James crouched in front of him and put his hands on the top of Kaidan’s feet, up near his ankles. It was a standard training move; pushing down on Kaidan’s feet would help the major complete his reps without his body moving and disrupting his rhythm. James had done this for people dozens of times before. It had never been like this.

Kaidan started his next set of crunches, and James immediately saw how this could be a bad idea. The major’s eyes were closed, brow furrowed a little as he focused on his movement. Every time he raised his head, those sweat-drenched abs flexed and then relaxed right under James’s nose, and really the shirt may as well not have been there for all it hid. Then there were the little breathy grunts Kaidan was making, and the way his shorts had slipped down to bunch at the top of his thighs, and the glimpse of dark underwear somewhere there in the shadows. James’s body couldn’t help but react, hyper-aware as he was. He cursed under his breath as he felt his cock stir again and he knew he was sporting at least a semi. The way he was crouching, on the balls of his feet with his knees spread, would showcase his erection perfectly.

That was when Kaidan decided that just crunching, shoulders lifting from the floor then back down, wasn’t an intense enough workout and began lifting all the way up to his knees. Not only did that force some even louder, deeper grunts from that irresistible throat, it put Kaidan’s dark ruffled head within inches of James’s hardening crotch.

This was bad. If the major opened his eyes and saw what was right in front of him, James would just die.

Kaidan opened his eyes.

He couldn’t miss the erection in front of him, or the flush on James’s throat. But there was no disgust on his face, no revulsion; he didn’t tell James to get off him or call him perverted. He just leaned back on his hands and looked up at James, and somehow the look of his long body stretched out that way, feet nestling in James’s palms, made James even harder.

_When in doubt, swagger it out._

James glanced down at his crotch, grinned. “Sorry ‘bout that, Major. Was just thinkin’ about whether Traynor might like to do this with me sometime.”

“Uh-huh,” Kaidan said, raising an eyebrow as James stood and turned away. “Well, we’ve all been there, lieutenant – long tours, no shore leave…I get it.”

“Thanks, man,” James said as he reached the weapons bench, safe ground, and began sorting parts that didn’t need to be sorted. He heard the major collecting his things, then footsteps passing by.

He glanced over when they stopped; Kaidan said, “Thanks for your help. I, uh…it was fun.”

“Yeah. Right. No sweat,” James said, and _what did that mean, fun?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to say, I've bravely ventured onto tumblr with absolutely no clue what I'm doing, so if you want to come and say hello to @missannaraven that would be lovely :)


	4. Frustrations

James helped Shepard unload the scanning gear from the shuttle and stack it safely in a corner of the hangar. “What’s the matter with it?” he asked the room in general.

“I’m not certain but I think there’s an issue with the magnetron, the signal keeps glitching and dropping out,” Kaidan said as he jumped down from the shuttle, pushing a damp curl off his forehead with the back of a gauntleted hand. The major looked so appealingly ruffled; flushed cheeks, hair a mess, eyes bright in the dim light. James swallowed and looked away.

Shepard was on the comms with EDI to get Adams down to take a look at the scanner, but James saw the commander’s eyes flicker towards Kaidan. He watched Shepard follow the major’s every move as he unclipped gauntlets, unfastened greaves, took a long drink of water. Kaidan didn’t notice, but James did, and a strange hot prickling feeling settled into his guts.

“Kaidan,” Shepard said, eyes ice-bright and gleaming. “Since we’re stuck in orbit until the scanner’s fixed, do you have time to come up to my cabin and look over some reports?” It was a casual question but James could read the subtext. Shepard’s body language had gone from loose to alert, his jaw tighter, his eyes sharper. James knew what Shepard really wanted from Kaidan; that prickling feeling turned into a knife blade.

He watched the two men board the elevator. There was something distinctly predatory in Shepard’s stance, in the way he stood just a touch too close behind Kaidan, in the way his eyes dropped down to check out the major’s ass.

An hour later, grabbing some lunch in the mess, James glanced over as the elevator doors slid open and Kaidan and Shepard emerged. Shepard said something and Kaidan smiled; James took a seat and began shovelling food down but his eyes tracked the major, watching him watch Shepard. Nobody else batted an eye, but James saw loud and clear the way a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder lingered and a smile passed between them.

James didn’t want his lunch any more but he ate it, stowed the plate, retreated to his bunk down where it was cool and quiet. He wasn’t one for self-analysis, navel gazing, getting to know his inner child. He was just good at knowing what he wanted, following his gut and seeing where it led him.

And his gut wanted Kaidan.

* * *

 

James didn’t see Kaidan in the mess at breakfast, or when he casually strolled into the starboard observation lounge to find a book to read, and the major was missing from the mess again at the end of shift. He chose a plate of food and took a seat beside Dr Chakwas.

“Hey, Bones.”

“Lieutenant.”

“Hey, uh, have you seen the major today?”

Chakwas turned a cool, appraising look on him. “As far as I know he’s still sleeping off a migraine. Why?”

“No reason.” He was going for casual; he’d never felt so obvious. “Just he’s usually here around this time, filling his face. So, um, does he get migraines a lot?”

“I hope you’re not asking me to reveal a superior officer’s confidential medical information, lieutenant.”

“No, ma’am, just concerned.”

Chakwas smiled. “Relax, James. It’s no secret that Kaidan suffers migraines due to his biotic implants, though they seem to happen less frequently now than they did back on the original _Normandy_.”

“Good,” James nodded, shoving more food down. “That’s good.”

Next morning as James lined up for scrambled eggs that were an insult to the name, Kaidan joined the queue behind him.

“Morning, Major. Good to see you back.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “Back from where?”

James felt his face heat up and cleared his throat. “I heard you had a migraine yesterday, missed you at dinner.”

“Oh. Right. Thanks.”

“You’re feeling better?” He took a full plate but waited for Kaidan’s answer.

“I am, yeah. Still a little painful but nothing serious.”

They took their plates to the table, joining the others in the usual round of banter, insults of the food and each other. Kaidan listened, smiled, chipped in here and there, but to James he seemed subdued, perhaps a little tight around the eyes.

Joker’s voice came over the comms. “Garrus, Alenko, report to the shuttle bay. Anomaly detected planetside.”

“I’ll come down with you,” James said, “I have some mods to finish up.”

They rode down to the shuttle bay together, Kaidan joining Garrus at the lockers while James headed for the weapons bench. When Shepard strode in, armoured and ready to go, he took one look at Kaidan and frowned.

“Still working on that migraine, Kaidan?”

“My head’s a little tight, yeah, but nothing I can’t handle.”

Shepard looked at him for a long moment then raised his voice and said, “Joker, could you ask Liara to come down here asap?” To Kaidan he said, “Stay here and rest up.”

“I told you I’m fine,” Kaidan protested but Shepard cut him off with a raised hand.

“Not this time. I need my team at peak performance.”

“What does that mean?” Kaidan asked, brow furrowed.

“It means I can’t risk you compromising the mission if you’re not up to the job.”

There were a few crew members around, and they all suddenly found reasons to be elsewhere. James got on with sorting the pile of weapons he’d been working on, but couldn’t resist glancing up at the commander and major. They were talking in low tones, trying to be discreet, but Kaidan’s emotions were clear on his face. He said something, gesturing with his hands, and Shepard shook his head. Kaidan began to speak again but Shepard cut him off, voice carrying as he said, “Enough, Kaidan. You’re potentially a liability and I can’t have that. Now drop it.”

James stayed where he was as the shore party climbed onto the shuttle, Kaidan stormed onto the elevator and the others went back to wherever they spent their time. After a while he wiped down his hands, took a deep breath and decided it was a good time to head up to the lounge where Kaidan liked to hang out.

Just at that moment, the elevator rumbled into life and a minute later Kaidan stepped out. He was wearing his sports gear again and nodded at James as he walked by.

“Hey, Major,” James said, mustering all the casualness he could find. “You alright?”

“Sure,” Kaidan said, turning around to look at him. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

James thought about covering, pretending he hadn’t heard the disagreement earlier, but then dismissed it. Blunt, that was him, forthright and overt and not at all subtle. “Because when someone treats me like an asshole I wanna punch his lights out.”

Kaidan smiled, then reined it back. “He was right. He needs to have his team at their best.”

“Fuck that noise – uh, excuse my mouth, sir.”

“It’s alright, I’m not offended. You can speak freely,” Kaidan said, taking a step closer, still acres of empty space between them.

“In that case – _Fuck_. _That_. _Noise_ ,” James repeated. “You’re the best damn biotic I ever saw, and I bet you’ve been in combat in worse pain than you’re in now.” Kaidan jerked his chin to acknowledge the point and James went on, “The commander must know that too, and he didn’t have to say that in front of everybody, so it was a dick move he pulled on you. Sir.”

Those dark eyes were impossible to read, the stony face giving nothing away. “Watch your step, lieutenant. Whatever your opinion, he’s still your superior.”

“So are you, and he undermined you in front of the crew."

“Point taken. But he’s been through a lot, put himself through hell over and over to protect me and you and millions of others. I’d say he’s earned a little leeway.”

“If you say so,” James shrugged, letting it drop; he’d made his point. “Here for a workout?”

“Yeah. Thought I’d run some shuttles, burn off a little energy.”

“Uh-huh. Or maybe you’d be up for a little dance?” When Kaidan raised his eyebrows, James chuckled as though this was no big deal. “When someone pisses me off, makes me wanna hit someone. If it can’t be Loco, you can try to hit me.”

“Try?” Kaidan said, and he smiled. “I can do better than try.”

“Big talk, Major, I like it,” James grinned, stepping out from behind the bench. “Alright then, let’s do this.”

They took positions opposite each other, fists raised, feet moving. The first few moves were just sounding each other out, figuring out each other’s rhythms and balance. Then James threw a hard left, watched with admiration as the major ducked smoothly out of the way and sent a jab towards James’s ribs. He just got out of the way but felt the sting as the blow glanced off his body.

They circled each other for a while, jabbing and ducking. It was always hot down in the shuttle bay and before long they were both sweating. The initial soft approach soon gave way to sparring in earnest, neither man pulling their blows any more. They each got in a few good shots and dodged a few more; it was a thrill, somehow, to realise how evenly matched they were.

And despite himself James was getting turned on by the way the major moved and grunted and looked at him so intently. Adrenalin and endorphins were a heady combination and as his fist caught Kaidan’s shoulder, making him groan and step back, James felt a rush like when he was in a firefight and when he was fucking, and it punched him in the gut harder than Kaidan’s retaliatory uppercut.

Finally, when James was worried that his burgeoning erection was going to become obvious, Kaidan stopped and held up both hands.

“Enough,’ he gasped, then bent to rest his hands above his knees and let his head drop, gasping in lungfuls of air.

James wiped his sweaty brow with the back of his hand, felt more sweat trickle down between his pecs. On a whim he decided _fuck it_ and lifted his damp T-shirt up and off, using it to wipe down his body.

Kaidan looked up and straightened slowly, his eyes on James’s chest. It was like a lightning bolt to the dick, that look in Kaidan’s eyes.

“You’re staring, Major,” James said lightly, loving it.

“Sorry,” said Kaidan, husky and low.

“Wasn’t complaining,” James said, closing the distance.

“James,” Kaidan said, a hint of rebuke in it, then went quiet.

They were inches apart. James looked Kaidan in the eye and licked his lips, watched Kaidan watching his tongue. Then James leaned in, slowly enough that Kaidan could stop him, and kissed him.

Kaidan’s mouth opened straight away and their tongues touched. James put an arm around Kaidan’s back and the major lifted a hand to his shoulder. Kaidan tilted his head and the kiss deepened and his little breathy sigh got James another step closer to fully hard. When he felt Kaidan’s erection against his thigh, he got all the way there.

But then Kaidan tensed and drew back, and James couldn’t stop the frustrated whimper that escaped his lips.

“James,” Kaidan said again, just a little breathless. “I’m your XO, this is a bad idea.”

“You’re also an _espectro_ , right? Doesn’t that give you some wiggle room with the regs?”

“No - I’m still an Alliance officer, James.”

“You’ve broken regs before,” James reminded him.

It was the wrong thing to say, succeeding only in stiffening Kaidan’s spine and hardening his eyes. “I have, and I’m not proud of it. This can’t happen, James. I’m sorry.”  Then Kaidan turned and walked away.

That night James pumped his hard cock for a long time in the darkness, remembering Kaidan’s eyes and lips and body. He summoned up a memory of the major's lips against his, the brush of his erection against James's body. He recalled the way Kaidan had smiled at him that day in the mess, when James passed him the coffee jug before he’d asked and their fingers brushed together. He thought of the time he’d spent a whole debrief just watching the major lounge against the wall in the crowded meeting room, his folded arms emphasising his biceps, his Adam’s apple bobbing as that honeyed voice poured out.

Memory gave way to fantasy as he imagined Kaidan walking into James’s darkened little den, his collar unfastened. In his mind his lips were on that throat, biting and sucking, while his hands took hold of that perfect ass to pull the major’s crotch against his. Finally, imagining Kaidan stretched out on the weapons bench with James’s mouth on his cock and fingers in his ass, James nudged his way over the edge into orgasm.

He fell asleep sweaty and exhausted, and woke up the same way.


	5. Crossing Lines

James spooned some more oatmeal into his mouth, watching Kaidan cross the mess hall to get some breakfast. As he watched, Shepard came and stood beside Kaidan.

“Morning, Kaidan,” Shepard said. “Pass the coffee, would you?”

“Sure.”

“You know what? I’ll get it myself.” With that, Shepard moved behind Kaidan and leaned around him to grab the coffee pot, pressing his groin against Kaidan’s ass. The major went still until Shepard moved back beside him. The commander looked up, caught his eye, smiled a loose and easy smile and said, “Sorry, morning wood. You know how it is.”

“Uh, yeah,” Kaidan said, grabbing his bowl and moving to sit at an empty table.

Nobody else seemed to have noticed anything; James wondered how they could be so blind. He felt churned up, prickly, not liking what he’d seen and not sure what it meant. What Shepard had done could be classed as sexual harassment, no doubt about it, and James felt furious and helpless.

But Kaidan’s reaction had been ambiguous; he didn’t look totally happy with Shepard’s actions but he didn’t seem all that upset either. James watched the major eating distractedly, lost in his thoughts; James could almost see his brain ticking over.

When James looked up, Shepard was watching him.

 

* * *

 

James fucking loved dancing - the pulse of the bass through his head, the feeling of his limbs moving, knowing that people were watching him. He loved it more than usual tonight, because one of the people watching had dark eyes and a small smile and a look on his face that James could feel like a blow to the chest.

The major was doing a pretty good job of being nonchalant, but James could tell when someone wanted him. He felt a rush of pleasure at the thought of it, catching Kaidan’s eye before turning again, letting the music move his body. It was almost a week since they kissed, and the major had been pleasant but professional ever since. But tonight, with a couple of drinks in him, he was looking at James like he wanted to eat him.

When he turned back, Shepard was standing with Kaidan. The commander looked good, leather jacket and fitted jeans, tight body and gleaming eyes. James’s rhythm faltered but he kept dancing, kept watching, as Shepard leaned in to say something in the major’s ear, and it wasn’t _that_ loud in here so did he really _have_ to lean in so goddamn close?

Kaidan looked surprised by whatever Shepard had said, then he laughed. Shepard grinned, lounging on one hip, still standing way too fucking close. He leaned in again, and Kaidan leaned in too, and one scarred hand settled on the major’s hip and stayed there. Kaidan looked up at Shepard; a purple light strobed past and illuminated his face for one perfect second, the longing and confusion and yeah, goddamnit, desire.

James felt ill; he turned away and headed straight for the bar.

Garrus was already there, waiting to be served. “Vega,” he greeted him, then tilted his head and gave James an assessing look. “What’s got _you_ so pissed off?”

“Nothing,” James said, and when the barman came over he ordered his third tequila with a lager chaser.

Garrus picked up his drink, said, “Come on, let’s have a little talk,” and led James over to an empty table. They settled in and he said, “Listen, Vega, I’m neither blind nor stupid so don’t treat me like I am. Something’s got that thick head in a spin and if you want to talk, I’m listening.”

“I told you, Scars, it’s nothing,” James said stubbornly.

“Alright, you forced me to do this,” Garrus sighed. “You know I can smell human pheromones, don’t you?”

“You can?” James asked; then realisation settled in with a thud. “Right. Gotcha.”

“I’m surmising from the evidence I have and the events I’ve witnessed that Shepard wants to rekindle things with Kaidan, and that you’re not happy about that.”

“…Yeah.”

“Because you want him for yourself,” Garrus clarified needlessly, with an amused twitch.

“Yeah, alright, I get it,” James hissed. “So what the hell do we need to talk about if you already know it all?”

Garrus took a drink and looked at him, steady and sincere. “I like you, Vega – not that we need to start picking out curtains, but I can bear your company better than most.”

“Gee, thanks,” James scoffed, but he was pleased, too.

“So consider this a friendly warning – you’re best off steering clear of that whole situation. Shepard and Kaidan have a history that’s…well, to call it messy would be an understatement. If Shepard has the major in his sights again, the wise move would be to keep out of his way.”

“And what if the _espectro_ doesn’t want Shepard?” James asked. “What if he wants someone younger, fitter, better looking?”

“I’d be flattered, but turn him down,” Garrus said drily, and James laughed. “Whichever way it goes, whether they start sleeping together again or not, those two are like a primed grenade on a random timer – it’s going to go off sometime, but there’s no telling when or who’ll get caught up in the explosion. If I were you, I’d make sure I was well out of blast range.”

“Listen, Scars - much as I appreciate the relationship advice from someone who’s not even _in_ a relationship…there’s something between me and the major, and it’s not something I wanna just walk away from.”

“I can respect that,” Garrus said, and looked him over for a moment longer before nodding. “Perhaps I should tell you a little story to give you a clearer picture of what I mean. This needs to stay between us, though.”

“Got it,” James nodded, intrigued.

Garrus took a long drink before he started. “Back on the original _Normandy_ , there was a gunnery chief named Ashley Williams. She and Shepard were involved, for a while. And I don’t know how it happened or who asked whom, but at some point Kaidan got involved too. With them both. At the same time.”

James was stunned, his mouth opening then closing again.

Garrus chuckled. “Do you understand what I’m saying, Vega, or do I need to draw you a diagram?”

“I just…are you sure? Only the major seems pretty private to me.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” Garrus said, tapping his nose. “Predictably it all broke down before too long. I don’t know any details but once I walked in on Shepard and Kaidan fighting; they didn’t see me and I got out of there fast, but I heard Kaidan say he wouldn’t help Shepard cheat on Ashley and that if he wanted him, he had to break it off with her first.”

“ _Mierda_ ,”James breathed, sitting back. He felt jealous, and aroused, and intrigued.

“About a week later we were sent on a mission to Virmire,” Garrus said. His tone had changed; a little more careful, a little more strained. “There came a point when Shepard could only save one of them; he chose Kaidan.”

“You don’t think…I mean, when he made the decision…” James tailed off; he couldn’t quite bring himself to voice what he was thinking.

“No,” Garrus said firmly. “Shepard would never do that. He made the right call for the situation; Kaidan was the ranking officer and Alliance protocols are clear. There’s nothing to hold against him there.”

“Still, that must’ve been rough for the major. I bet he blamed himself, right?”

“You know it,” Garrus said. “For a while he and Shepard avoided each other, until the _Normandy_ set out for Ilos on a mission we didn’t think we’d see the other side of. I came across them talking in a dark corner and it looked like Shepard was hitting on Kaidan, although honestly I can’t be sure. Whatever Kaidan said, Shepard didn’t like. He went storming off – straight to Liara.”

James couldn’t stop the bitter smile. “Of course he fucking did. _Lo que un puto_.”

“That’s all I know, and more than I want to,” Garrus said. “But you can see why I’m advising you to keep your big feet out of that particular minefield.”

“Yeah. I appreciate the heads up,” James said.

Garrus smiled. “But you’re going to ignore it and do what the hell you want anyway.”

James shrugged, downed the tequila. “Thinking things through ain’t my style, Scars. Besides, getting into trouble now and then makes life more interesting, don’t you think?”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Garrus said, as Steve slid into the seat beside James with a giggling Tali at his side.

“Hey guys,” Steve smiled. “Whatcha talking about?”


	6. Shut Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

The _Normandy_ was docked at the Citadel for another 24 hours but James was more than ready to leave.

He hadn’t known Shepard had plans to meet Kaidan, just started following the N7 hoodie he spotted through the crowd to see if the commander wanted to grab a bite. Then Shepard headed into Apollo’s and James saw the major sitting at a table on the balcony. James stopped in his tracks, ducking behind a pillar; he felt like he was doing something illicit as he peeked out and watched Shepard take a seat at the table.

There were smiles and glances, awkward shuffling and staring at menus, before Shepard reached out to take Kaidan’s hand. Whatever he was saying, he was leaning close and Kaidan wasn’t backing off. James’s eyes were fixed on Kaidan’s face but he was too far away to see his expression clearly. Then the major turned his hand palm-up, laced his fingers with Shepard’s, and smiled.

James felt sick and disappointed and angry, and he wished to God he’d never seen them there. If he didn’t see it, it didn’t happen, right? So he sent a message to an old friend then made his way to Purgatory and had a beer with Cortez and Joker, danced and flirted with Traynor even though they were nowhere close to each other’s type, then drank some more until the memory of Shepard’s hand tangled with Kaidan’s on a shining metal table went fuzzy around the edges.

After a while James felt eyes on him – nothing new, he got checked out a lot. When he glanced over James saw his friend standing at the bar; he was nice looking with narrow hips and broad shoulders and a definite military bearing. He smiled, raised his beer to James in a salute. James stood and went over, said hey. His friend’s name was Ethan; he’d never offered any more information than that and James had never asked.

“You wanna get outta here, James?” Ethan asked, bold and confident.

“You have no idea,” James said sincerely.

Ethan took it as a compliment; James let him.

Ethan’s flat was nearby and before long his front door was closing behind them. James used his bulk to press Ethan against the wall and kiss him, channelling what he felt for Kaidan to make it hot and messy. Ethan groaned and it was _good_ , and so were the fingers twisting James’s nipples through his shirt, and so was the hardness pressing against his thigh. James grasped Ethan’s slim hips and held them tight, grinding his erection against him. He kissed and licked along the square jaw, bit the muscled throat hard enough to mark. All the while Ethan was moaning and scratching his nails through James’s hair, riding the hard thigh shoved between his own.

When Ethan pushed James away to lean against the back of the sofa it took him by surprise, just like the fingers that were opening his belt and his fly. James didn’t fight it, let his head drop back as Ethan’s mouth closed over his rigid shaft. He closed his eyes, threaded his fingers into thick blond curls, and thought about Kaidan.

He summoned a memory of Kaidan on the battlefield, wreathed in blue and fucking _glorious_. He thought about Kaidan’s eyes when he laughed, the gravelly rumble of his voice when he was tired or his head hurt. He pictured Kaidan running laps down in the shuttle bay, only this time he was shirtless and sweating. That image lingered, made his cock leap against Ethan’s palate, so he let it keep playing out. In his head he approached Kaidan boldly, confidently, grasping the back of his neck and taking his mouth in a bruising kiss, swallowing his moans and palming his cock through his flimsy shorts. Imaginary Kaidan’s fingers trailed over James’s chest, and then they were both naked and hard, and Kaidan fell to his knees and began to lick him…

A broken sigh left his throat and Ethan responded enthusiastically. The feeling of two hands working him as a tongue swirled around his tip took him racing toward the limits of his control and he took Ethan’s face in both hands.

“I’m gonna cum, man,” he grunted out, but Ethan didn’t budge so James allowed his hips to thrust into the moist heat and came down his lover’s throat.

Ethan stood, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, and suddenly it didn’t feel sexy any more. The world swam back into focus and it hit James that he was in some faceless apartment with a guy he wished was Kaidan and a cold, wet, flaccid cock. When Ethan went to kiss him, James dodged and pushed him back against the wall. He played it like it was all part of the game, like he didn’t feel sick to his stomach. The last thing he wanted was to bring the charade to its conclusion but James Vega never left a partner unsatisfied, so he pushed up Ethan’s shirt and tongued his nipples and used one big hand to start jerking his dick.

Ethan pressed his face against James’s throat and he let him do it, glad he didn’t seem to expect head in return. This, his calloused palm moving over smooth flesh, he could deal with; putting his mouth on it was just not gonna happen tonight.

Ethan groaned, “Fuck, James, always so good,” and it should have felt great, should have brought out that cocky smile that a lifetime of authority figures had found so irritating. But it rang empty and hollow, somehow, because this wasn’t the guy whose opinion mattered.

Irritation rose inside him and his hands got rougher; Ethan seemed to like it and his fingers tightened on James’s back. _Fucking_ espectro, _getting in my head and twisting me up so I can’t even enjoy a dirty fuck with a hot guy any more_.

“Yeah, James, fuck!” James felt the cock in his hand start to stutter so he yanked Ethan’s t-shirt down over his dick just in time to catch his cum. Then he stepped back, scrubbing his hands on his thighs. There was some measure of satisfaction in how unravelled Ethan was, the glazed look in his eyes, how he was still gasping for breath. But then James couldn’t look at him any more so he stepped up and kissed him instead.

“Woah, that was…that was hot,” Ethan smiled after a moment. “I need another shower – wanna join me?”

“Love to, _guapo_ , but we’re shipping out in a couple hours,” James lied.

Ethan looked disappointed but nodded. “Sure. Call me next time you’re back, okay? Maybe we can take our time for once.”

“Maybe,” James shrugged, already half out the door.

He headed back to the _Normandy_ , avoiding the Alliance quarterhouse where the rest of the crew would be spending the night. He headed straight to the showers, scrubbing himself raw, still feeling dirty. Then he wrapped a towel around his waist, holding it over his hip with one fist, and headed out without bothering to dress first; fuck it, it was late and everyone was on shore leave anyway.

The elevator doors opened and he stepped in; he heard a door open out in the hallway and then Kaidan stepped onto the elevator too, holding his washbag and a folded uniform. The major’s clothes were rumpled, his shirt untucked, his hair a dishevelled mess. James knew immediately how his date with Shepard had ended and it was a punch to the gut that he wasn’t prepared for.

Kaidan looked up and noticed James, eyes flicking to his bare torso for just a second, and the flush on his throat made James want to kiss it.

“James,” he said, with little of his customary poise. “You’re not staying at the quarterhouse?” His voice was more hoarse than usual and James couldn’t help wondering if it was because he was a screamer or because he’d had a dick down his throat.

“No,” James said. “Prefer my own space, you know?”

“Yeah, I can understand that,” Kaidan said, pressing the elevator button. He looked over at James, let out a heavy sigh and said, “Look, James…this isn’t how I wanted to tell you, and it isn’t something we’ll be advertising to the crew but…Shepard and I talked today and we’re going to try being together.”

“Yeah? Good for you,” James sniffed, looking straight ahead, toughing it out despite the hurt and longing in his chest.

“I know this is hard after we…after what happened between us. And I wasn’t certain at first, but…I still love him.”

“And you’re sure this is what you want?” James asked around the stone in his mouth.

“As sure as I can be.”

“Whatever, then,” James said, rolling his shoulders. When Kaidan raised an eyebrow he said, “I don’t like how he treats you is all,” lifting one shoulder as though it were no big deal. “How he talks to you.” _How he looks at you._

“I appreciate that, James, but I’m not some damsel in distress,” Kaidan said. His tone was light, a little bit amused and a little bit patronising, and it pissed James off. “Shepard isn’t the dragon circling the tower, and as big and strong and handsome as you are, you’re not the shining knight come to rescue me.”

“Why not?” James persisted, belligerent and petulant.

“Because I don’t need to be rescued.” Kaidan’s tone was firmer now, the lightness gone, and James took a perverse satisfaction in having ruffled him. “And frankly, it’s not your business.”

“Not my business!” James flared. “Did I imagine everything between us, then? Was that not _your_ tongue in my mouth, _your_ dick hard against my leg?”

Kaidan’s voice was sharp as a knife to the heart. “I won’t pretend I don’t feel anything for you, James. We both know there’s something between us, right or wrong. But I love Shepard. Always have. And I know that you don’t get why and that you don’t like it, and I understand that. But that’s how it is.”

But James persisted, because no way in hell was Kaidan dictating this tonight. “I know more than you think. See, nobody watches me ‘cos I’m just the big dumb meathead that you can safely ignore. But that just means I see more than people realise, more than they maybe want me to. I’ve seen your face when he shuts you down, _espectro_. I’ve seen how you square those wide shoulders and take it when he’s flat out fuckin’ _rude_ to you.”

A spark of blue flared in Kaidan’s eyes then. “Shepard is…he expresses his feelings differently than other people. But life has kicked him around over and over, and he just forgets sometimes that it doesn’t have to be that way – that he doesn’t have to be fighting all the time.”

“So what, that’s your problem now?” James asked, incensed. “You gotta just let him do that to you because he’s fucked up like we all are, one way or another?”

Kaidan didn’t take the bait, self-controlled just like always. “James, I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

Kaidan’s hand on his shoulder was invasive and he shrugged it off abruptly. “Don’t worry about me, major, I ain’t gonna waste any tears over you. Just thought we’d be good together, y’know, but it’s not like you broke my heart.”

His voice was hard and cold. He didn’t recognise it.


	7. Party

The universe was going to hell; Reapers everywhere, Cerberus doing their best to screw things up, negotiations breaking down and colonies going up in flames and everything uncertain and unstable. So naturally, Shepard decided to throw a party.

It was actually kinda fun, all things considered. It still got James’s back up a little, how comfortable and oblivious everyone on the Citadel was, how blind to the realities of the war going on beyond their shallow little lives. But Shepard had sourced some top-quality booze, and the music was starting to get into his blood, and Traynor was giggly and silly and pretty damn handsy for a gay girl, which suited him just fine, so overall it could be a hell of a lot worse.

Kaidan was there, of course, though he spent most of his time on the balcony upstairs while Shepard worked the party. The major was talking with Jacob and Liara, smiling and drinking beer; James glanced up at him occasionally from his seat on the sofa down by the main fireplace. At one point Kaidan’s laughter carried over the music and James wished he could just go up there and join in, maybe rib them a little about how his manpower beat their biotic power any day – not that he really believed it, but it was always fun to tease Kaidan.

But things were still strained between them, and going up there would just harsh everyone’s buzz. So James did what he did best; put on a front, acted like everything was fine, and watched Kaidan.

When Joker and EDI started trying to rope everyone into a dance competition, James excused himself to find the bathroom upstairs. He wandered around a little first, taking in the plush décor and mood lighting, admiring the punching bag and resolving to have a try on that pull-up bar. Then he turned a corner, and there was Kaidan.

“Evenin’, Major,” James said, nodding as he walked by.

“James,” Kaidan said, then, “Could you just…can we talk for a minute?”

James clenched his jaw, nodded, then turned back. “Alright.”

“It’s just…it’s stupid for us to be avoiding each other the way we have been,” Kaidan said. His tone was earnest, his words ever so slightly slurred. “I like you, James, and I respect you as a soldier, as a man. I hate that things are so awkward between us now. I know I caused it, but I wanna try and fix it, too.”

“Yeah,” James said, softening a little. “I know.”

Like it was that simple. Like he could banish Kaidan from his head and his heart just like that, just because the major said so.

“So are we okay?” Kaidan asked. He was watching James so carefully, his expressive face showing regret and concern and hope, and James couldn’t do anything but smile, reach out to shake Kaidan’s hand.

“Yeah. We’re okay. How are things going with you two?” he asked, because it was the mature thing to do, and because maybe the answer would be _terribly_.

“Good,” Kaidan said. “Thanks for asking.”

“Yeah, well, I give a shit about you, y’know?” James shrugged. “Look, I need to find the bathroom. Catch you later.”

And he did, literally, a couple of hours afterwards when Kaidan tripped as James was passing him on the staircase. All he really did was place a steadying hand on the centre of Kaidan’s chest, enough to stop him from taking a fall, but it made a warm tingle spread through him all the same.

“Thanks,” Kaidan said, straightening up. He smiled crookedly, tipsy and relaxed, and James couldn’t help smiling back. “

Take it easy, _espectro_ ,” James said. “I don’t wanna have to scrape you up off the floor.”

“Maybe you are my shining knight after all,” Kaidan said, then flushed and stammered and said, “I’m sorry, that was…I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Relax,” James said. “No big deal.”

Kaidan nodded, looking at him so intently that James’s heart stuttered for a second. “I am sorry,” he said again, the alcohol giving him an earnest edge. “If I’d met you anywhere else…”

“Best not finish that thought,” James interrupted, though he desperately wanted to hear the rest. Kaidan was drunk enough to have a loose grip on what he was saying, and pressing an advantage now would only make him resent James when he sobered up and remembered it.

“Yeah. You’re right.  You're a wise man, Mr Vega,” Kaidan nodded, then frowned. “I think I need some water.”

“Good idea,” James said, watching Kaidan take the rest of the stairs down extra carefully. It was endearing and James smiled, warmth blooming in his chest. But when Shepard noticed Kaidan and walked towards him, James had to turn away before Shepard saw the bitterness in his eyes.

A little while later still, James was slouching on a sofa upstairs. Most of the others had crashed out or were taking part in a drinking challenge downstairs, a last desperate attempt to prolong the party before they left the Citadel and reality came hurtling back. James had popped open a cold beer and brought it upstairs with him, needing to be alone with his thoughts. Since that moment on the stairs, it seemed like every time he turned around he saw Shepard and Kaidan together, and it was getting to be too much.

“All partied out, lieutenant?” said Shepard’s voice, and James just stopped himself from groaning. Shepard walked around to sit on the sofa opposite, a tumbler of bourbon in his hand.

“Just needed a quiet moment,” James said, shrugging as casually as he could manage.

“Yeah. Me too. At least you all haven’t trashed the place too badly,” Shepard said. Then he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and set his drink on the table. “Actually, James, there was something I wanted to say to you.” He met James’s eyes, his blue gaze sharp and keen. “I know that you have a thing for Kaidan. I’ve seen you watching him.”

James gulped, his pulse leaping. “Hey, look, I don’t want any trouble with you, Loco.”

“Good. I don’t intend to cause any. But we both know you’re hot for Kaidan, and we both know he feels the same. I’ve been wondering what we can do about that.”

James shook his head, like it might help clear it. “I, uh…what?”

Shepard smiled, slow and shrewd. “You see, he’s always had this kink about someone watching us have sex. I’m pretty sure he’d like that someone to be you, for a while.”

James’s stomach flooded with ice and fire; he swallowed with a dry throat. “Shit, Loco. You don’t beat around the bush, do you?”

“What’s the point?” Shepard shrugged. “Say what you mean and nobody’s left guessing. Last time we fucked I told Kaidan to imagine you watching us and he came like a freight train. So we wanted to see if you were open to the idea of joining us for real next time.”

“We? The major’s down with this?” James asked cautiously.

“We’ve always had an open relationship,” Shepard shrugged. “I know he seems all buttoned down and in control, but trust me – when it comes to sex, he’s as open-minded as they get.”

James was torn, wavering on the edge of what felt like a vast abyss. Thinking about watching Kaidan like that was _so fucking hot_ , but he wasn’t sure getting involved with Shepard was the best idea. “I…we could all get in a lot of shit if anyone found out,” he said to give himself some thinking time, though that wasn’t his main concern even if it should have been.

“We’ll take care of you, James,” said Shepard, a double meaning in his smirk. “We’re both Spectres, don’t forget, we can make sure it doesn’t come back to bite you. Although Kaidan might.”

Despite himself, James felt a pulse of arousal at the idea. He wanted Kaidan, more than he could begin to understand, but not if Shepard had to be part of the package.

_You sure about that?_ asked a voice in his head. _Kaidan’s made it clear he wants to be with Shepard; isn’t it better to be with him this way than not at all?_

It seemed Shepard could see his internal conflict. “Look, James, I don’t want to put you on the spot. I know this is highly irregular coming from a superior officer, and you’re absolutely free to say no with no repercussions. It won’t be held against you, personally or professionally. How about you take some time to think about it, let me know what you decide.”

“Sure,” James said, licking his lips, ignoring the way Shepard watched him. “I can do that.”

“Hey, you two. Whatcha talking about?” said Kaidan, appearing behind James. Shepard stood as Kaidan approached and the major stopped beside him, swaying slightly on his feet.

Shepard smiled. “I was just discussing with James the idea we were talking about earlier.”

“Oh, right,” Kaidan nodded. He looked at James and asked, “Are you up for it, James?”

James blinked, a little stunned at how casually Kaidan referred to it. “Um, I don’t know…maybe. If you’d definitely be cool with it, that is.”

“Of course,” Kaidan nodded, and Shepard grinned. “If you’re happy to do it, I mean. I think we all need to blow off a little steam, right?”

“Absolutely,” Shepard said. “And now, Major, I think you need to get some sleep. We can talk more about this when we’re back on the Normandy.” He began to lead Kaidan away, glancing at James one last time as they went.

James lifted his beer and took a long, long drink. He felt hollowed out, the place in his head where his common sense usually lived filled instead with images of Kaidan, naked, on his knees, fucking and being fucked. His cock leapt again, half-hard just at the idea of it.

He had no clue what he was going to do.


	8. Game Changer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest, I'm a little bit nervous about posting this chapter as it's unlike anything I've written before and I have no idea how you all will respond! 
> 
> This chapter is very definitely NSFW, and Shepard is a very naughty boy in it too. Consider yourself warned…

A couple of days went by, and everything seemed busier than usual with Shepard and Kaidan caught up in some kind of Spectre business that kept them out of circulation. James went back and forth in his head a dozen times a day, torn and conflicted. He was fine with the idea of a three-way, had fantasised about it more than once, but wasn’t certain that his CO and XO were the right people to try it with for the first time. Then again, there was a part of him that was willing to do anything, whatever it took, to be with Kaidan any way he could.

A few times he almost asked Cortez for advice in the quiet of the shuttle bay, knowing that his friend would be honest and discreet. But he also knew that Steve valued faithfulness, monogamy, and he was worried about tainting their friendship when he inevitably disapproved.

And then there was the fact that it would be a major breach of the fraternisation regs and could only harm his career if it ever got out, whatever Shepard had said.

So James still wasn’t sure how he came to find himself in Shepard’s cabin three nights after the party, nervous and pumped at the same time, while the commander asked him to wait in the bathroom until Kaidan arrived.

“You’ll be able to hear when we’re ready for you,” Shepard said, calm and matter-of-fact as though this were any other mission briefing. It was good, calmed James down. “You can come out here and watch through the glass display case. He’ll know you’re there, but the pretence of not knowing is what gets him hot. Feel free to jerk off, so long as you don’t interrupt us. Next time we can talk about you joining in, if that’s something you’re interested in.”

“Right,” James said, because he didn’t know what else to say.

“When we’re done you can leave quietly, I’ve granted your signature a single override to the main lock.”

“Sure thing,” James nodded, cracking his knuckles and neck.

Shepard smiled, put a hand on his shoulder. “Thanks again for doing this.”

“And it’s definitely what the major wants, right?” James asked again.

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?”

The darkened bathroom was small anyway but it felt tiny as James paced, waiting. He was having serious doubts and knew it wasn’t too late to walk away.

But then he heard the door cycle open and closed, the bleep of the lock engaging. He heard voices coming close by, then fading, and the sound of Kaidan’s voice set a burning ember in his gut. James reached down to adjust his stiffening cock; the game had begun.

Everything went quiet for a while, long enough for James to wonder if this was all some elaborate prank, until a broken moan made his pulse spike. It sounded like Kaidan did in his head, only better.

James moved closer to the bathroom door and it slid open smoothly, silently. Cautiously he ducked his head around the doorframe, peering through layers of glass. Shepard had turned out all the lights except the one over the bed, spotlighting the two bodies that writhed and groaned at its centre.

“ _Madre de Dios_ ,” James breathed, forgetting himself for a moment as his cock hardened fully and his pulse throbbed in his temples.

Kaidan and Shepard were naked, muscled perfection. Shepard was lying on his back and Kaidan straddled his waist facing away from James, pinning the commander’s wrists to the bed and kissing him hard enough to force his head into the mattress. James could see Shepard’s dick curving up under the major’s body, sliding against his balls and ass.

James crept closer to the desk, one palm flat on its surface as his other hand freed his erection; if he didn’t touch himself soon, he’d probably die from a burst blood vessel. He rubbed his thumb across his wet tip then started to stroke himself slowly.

“Kaidan,” Shepard groaned. “Suck my cock.”

Kaidan chuckled; James pressed his eyes shut, hand faltering against his hard shaft. Kaidan’s voice coiled like smoke in the air; “Only if you suck mine.”

The major sat up and James watched the muscles in his back ripple and flex. Kaidan swung a leg over Shepard, turning towards where James was watching, and the lieutenant had to consciously slow his hand before he came just imagining what he was about to see. He ducked into the bathroom to grab a handful of tissues before slipping back behind the desk. The air was heavy with the sound of muffled moaning and flesh slipping against flesh; James bit his lip hard to help maintain some kind of control.

When he looked again, Kaidan was on his hands and knees above Shepard, facing towards James. His mouth was sliding up and down Shepard’s cock; one hand propped him up and the other was gripping Shepard’s shaft, then rolling his balls, then sliding down to tease his hole. In the shadows between the two bodies James could just see Shepard’s mouth on Kaidan’s dick while his hands gripped his buttocks. James couldn’t see exactly what the commander was doing, but the muscles in his forearm were flexing; he guessed that Shepard’s fingers were in Kaidan’s ass and the thought of it was hot beyond his most lurid imaginings.

Kaidan lost his rhythm, lifting his head to give a hoarse cry. “Shepard,” he said, and it was a sigh and a groan, and James almost lost it at the hazy look in the major’s eyes, the dark curl sticking to his forehead. Shepard’s dick bobbed against Kaidan’s chin but the major ignored it, lost in his own pleasure.

Shepard pushed Kaidan and he fell forwards, half on Shepard’s legs and half on the bed. Shepard rose to his knees and pulled on Kaidan’s hips to raise his ass in the air. The commander’s eyes flickered towards where James watched while Kaidan rested on his bent elbows, head hanging down between his toned biceps, waiting.

Shepard pressed two lube-shiny fingers together and pushed them into Kaidan’s ass. The commander finger-fucked Kaidan while he lubed up his dick, and James’s fist sped up as he watched Kaidan’s face, listened to that sex-drunk voice keen and groan. Then Shepard lined up and thrust into his lover, quick and unrestrained.

Kaidan almost sobbed Shepard’s name, dropping his forehead back down to the covers as Shepard drove in and out at an unrelenting pace. Kaidan moved one hand to his cock but Shepard said, “No. You don’t get to come yet.” Kaidan withdrew his hand, head still down, body swaying with each thrust. Shepard slapped him sharply on his right cheek, then his left; Kaidan groaned “Yes, fuck,” and Shepard grinned.

James bit his lip again, tracing his scars with his tongue to distract him from the surging, tightening wave in his groin.

“That’s right,” Shepard said, high on sensation. “Take it, Alenko, take my thick cock all the way in. You fucking love it, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Kaidan gasped, nearing the edge of control. “I do…I love it…”

Shepard pressed a kiss to Kaidan’s back, body held still above him, only his hips pistoning back and forth, and said in his lover’s ear, “Touch yourself, sexy. Come on my cock.”

Kaidan’s hand ducked under his body and grasped his neglected member, working it with hurried strokes. The motion of his fist was hypnotic and James allowed his hand to mirror the movement, matching Kaidan’s rhythm. He could almost imagine it was Kaidan jacking him off, and had to clench his jaw hard to keep quiet.

Kaidan let out a moan, long and fractured. His face, _mierda_ … James couldn’t hold back any more and pumped his cock through a tight, intense orgasm, only just catching it all in the tissues. His jaw ached from gritting his teeth to keep silent, his dick still twitching as Kaidan’s cock jumped and spurted, cum splashing over his hand and the sheets and drawing a sweet, sharp aftershock from James’s groin.

“Good boy,” Shepard groaned, and let himself go too. Kaidan’s head was down and as soon as Shepard was done, the major’s arms collapsed and he fell to the bed face first. That, James figured, was his cue to leave.

He tucked his softening cock into his pants, throwing the tissues into the trash, and began backing up. He didn’t realise how close the desk chair was until he nudged it and sent it wheeling away to crash into the wall.

“What the hell was that?” It was Kaidan, and he sounded genuinely pissed.

“Fuck,” said Shepard, more irritated than worried. “The game’s up, James, come on out.”

James walked around the corner of the display cases, pausing at the top of the steps. Kaidan was scrabbling off the edge of the bed, his eyes alight with fury as he snatched up his pants. Shepard was reclining against the pillows, apparently without a care in the world.

“You’d better have a damn good explanation for this,” Kaidan said, stalking towards James. His pants were on now, zipped but unbuttoned, and James couldn’t help noticing the trail of dark hairs dipping under the waistband even as he recoiled from the major’s anger.

James held up both hands, heart racing, backing away. “Hey, I thought you were down with this! You said you were!”

Kaidan scowled, “What the hell are you talking about? I never said that!”

“You did,” James persisted, “at the party the other night!”

Shepard chuckled and they both looked over. The commander was just laying there, hands behind his head, one leg bent and the other stretched out. “No need to get all bent out of shape,” he said. “Just a harmless little game, that’s all.”

“Harmless?” Kaidan repeated. The look on his face, hurt and angry and utterly betrayed, made James feel sick. “You mean…that poker tournament you told me James was organising – that was really about you inviting him up here?”

Shepard lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “I was going to tell you he’d been here after he was gone - I thought this way would be more fun for all of us.”

“Did you?” Kaidan asked, incensed. “Or did you just think about how _you_ wanted it to go?”

“It’s not like it’s the first time we’ve fucked in front of someone, Kaidan,” Shepard said, an edge to his voice. “When we did it this way with Ash you loved it. Don’t be so uptight.”

“Don’t you dare try to make this _my_ problem,” Kaidan retorted, striding back towards the bed and raising a finger to jab the air. “You’re the one in the wrong here, not me. You deceived me, you deceived James, you abused your position and you thought I’d be fine with it?”

Shepard lifted both hands, palms up. “You told me you wanted James to watch us,” he protested.

Kaidan flushed. “Yeah, _if_ we all planned and agreed it first.”

“I thought this was what you wanted,” Shepard said, shaking his head, apparently not understanding what he’d done wrong. “You know me, Kaidan, I like to be spontaneous.”

“And _you_ know that I don’t. I also don’t like being lied to, and I’ve had enough.” He snatched his shirt off the floor and pulled it on, shoving his feet into his boots.

“Alright,” Shepard shrugged. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

“No, I mean I’ve _had enough_ ,” Kaidan said meaningfully.

“Oh.” Shepard sat up then, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and walking towards Kaidan, unconcerned by his nakedness. “K, I’m sorry – really. I thought you’d enjoy this, get off on it.”

Kaidan’s tone lost a little of the anger, hurt bleeding into his voice. “I get that. But you can’t just spring something like this on me without talking to me first, Shepard – this relationship can’t just be about what _you_ want.”

“I’m sorry,” Shepard said again, and it seemed like he was, but he made no move to touch Kaidan.

Kaidan nodded, defeated somehow. “You always are. And I’m done.”

Shepard just stood there, watching Kaidan leave. James realised he hadn’t moved, drawn into the drama unfolding before him. He felt hot and cold and angry and sick and used and pathetic, and the hurt look on the major’s face made him feel six inches tall.

“Still hanging around, James?” Shepard asked, breaking into his thoughts. “If you’re looking to join me I’ll need a few more minutes.”

“ _Que demonios_ , Loco,” James exclaimed, disbelieving. “You’re going to hit on me instead of going after the major? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What’s the big fucking deal?” Shepard asked, bordering on angry now. “Kaidan needs time to cool off and I’m still feeling horny – and I know you were enjoying the show up until you ruined everything.”

“Until _I_ ruined everything? You don’t even see how this is all on you, do you? What, you think you’re pure as the driven?”

“If you’d kept quiet, we’d all have gotten off and gone to sleep happy. But you can’t even follow a simple command, can you, lieutenant?”

James stalked down the steps, his anger at Shepard making him reckless. “You didn’t know for sure that he’d want it but you did it anyway? That shit don’t get _me_ off.”

“It’s part of the game, James,” Shepard insisted, squaring off to the younger, taller man without any sign that he felt intimidated. Despite himself, James admired his _cojones_ ; the commander was butt naked but faced him down as though he were in full battle armour. “Your concern is touching but he’s no shrinking violet. Kaidan likes it rough, and I like to oblige.”

Shepard’s smirk was the last straw. James saw red, hauling off and punching his commander before he’d stopped to think. Shepard was shocked for a second, then his face twisted and he launched himself at James.

The fistfight was brutal, ugly, and over quickly. James might get the upper hand occasionally when sparring with the commander, but tonight Shepard was in the mood to show him who was boss. Before long James was sprawled on the floor, blood streaming from his nose and mouth as Shepard straddled him. It wasn’t sexy at all.

Shepard leaned down, got right in James’s face. “You strike your commanding officer again, lieutenant, and I’ll see you brought up on charges so fast you’ll get dizzy. Are we clear?”

James looked straight up at the ceiling, not moving, not giving Shepard the satisfaction of a further response. “Sir, yes, sir.”

Shepard stood, watched James get up. He slouched on one hip, folded his arms to emphasise his biceps, always trying to play James even now. “You owe me an apology, Lieutenant Vega.”

It was a power trip and James knew it, but there was nothing he could do. So he stood straight in parade stance, chin up and eyes forward, and said, “Commander, I apologise for striking you. I take full responsibility for my actions.”

Shepard nodded, formal and cold. “Dismissed.” He was turning away as he spoke, dismissing James in word and action.

James stalked out, seething all the way down in the elevator. _You’re such a fucking_ idiotà, _Vega, always thinking with your dick and your fists before your brain_. He knew he was lucky Shepard was letting it go; striking a superior officer would put a significant black mark on his record, probably get him excluded from the N7 programme and prevent him from ever making commander. But it was still going to be hell serving on the _Normandy_ under Shepard, and he dreaded seeing Kaidan again.

He touched a thumb to his split lip as he felt blood drip onto his chest. His nose wasn’t bleeding too much any more but his mouth tasted salty and metallic. He needed to get it checked, though he had no clue what he’d say to Dr Chakwas.

The implacable doctor simply raised an eyebrow when she saw him, sitting him on one of the beds and snapping on a pair of disposable gloves. “Disagreement with someone, James?” she asked as she gently probed his nose, cleaned his lip. She was giving him a way out and he took it gratefully, sitting still and silent while she cleaned his face then dabbed medigel on his mouth and the bridge of his nose.

“Thanks, Bones,” he said, hopping down from the bed. _Food, shower, sleep – in that order. Maybe round off the night with a leap from the airlock._

The medbay door cycled open and Kaidan walked in. “Dr Chakwas, can I have a private word with the lieutenant, please?” he asked, calm and polite as though nothing had happened. But James saw the tension in his shoulders, the way he held himself just a touch too still as the doctor nodded and left the room without another word.

James didn’t know what to say, knew he couldn’t possibly defend or justify himself, so he fell on established tactics and kept his mouth shut, let the other guy speak first.

Kaidan looked James over, those soulful eyes taking in the swollen nose and bloodstained shirt.  
Finally he asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, nothin’ serious,” James said. “I just told the commander what I thought of him, which turns out to be nothin’ good. He took exception.”

“I see. He hit you first?”

James’s mouth twisted. “Ah, no. That was me.”

He was braced for a lecture on the chain of command, respect for a superior officer, even a good old-fashioned _how dare you hit my boyfriend_. But Kaidan just nodded and quietly said, “I appreciate it.”

A frown flickered, then James nodded. “Sure. Any time.”

It was a dumb thing to say but Kaidan didn’t seem to mind. “James, I know I can trust you to keep all this from the rest of the crew.”

“Of course, man,” James said, a little affronted that Kaidan had even mentioned it.

“Having said that, he should be court martialled for what he did to you,” Kaidan said, glancing away. “If you wanted to take this to the admiralty I wouldn’t blame you.”

“That’s not what I want,” James said heatedly. “What I want is to take it back, make it so it never happened. I swear I had no idea…I mean, I thought it was what you wanted.”

“I believe you,” Kaidan said, and he looked older and wearier than James had ever seen him. “He deceived us both, manipulated us both.”

James took a step closer, checked that nobody could see them. “I’m so sorry, _espectro_. I would never do anything to hurt you - you know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, something hesitant in his tone as he looked at James. “I guess I do.” His smile, just a flicker, felt like an absolution. “You should get some sleep, it’s not long until shift change.”

“Right. Yeah. Okay.”

He knew Kaidan was watching him as he walked away, could almost feel the eyes on his back. But he didn’t look back; he didn’t dare.


	9. Endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lack of comments on the last chapter has me worried that you all hated it so much you've given up...but if anyone is still out there, here are the final two chapters at once to make up for the trauma...

A day later and James still felt sick and weary; he wished to God he’d never met Commander fucking Shepard. He leaned his head against the elevator wall as it hummed its way up to Shepard’s cabin; when the doors opened he squared his shoulders and walked in like he owned it.

“Lieutenant,” Shepard said, getting up from his seat at the desk.

James stopped, saluted, keeping it totally and unnecessarily formal to protect himself. “Commander. You wanted to see me?”

“I’ll shortly be announcing to the crew that Major Alenko will be leaving the Normandy 48 hours from now. We’re switching course to the Citadel imminently.”

The deck swayed under his feet; only it didn’t, it was just James. “What? Why?”

“I think we both know why,” Shepard said smoothly, crossing his arms and leaning back against the desk. “It’s become impossible for us to work together and Admiral Hackett has a role for him where he’ll be more useful to the war effort.”

“Just like that?” James asked, irritation swelling. “You don’t even care enough to fight for him?”

Shepard ignored that. “I gave you the courtesy of telling you in private, lieutenant. Don’t make me regret it.”

“No, sir. Thank you, sir,” James said, like a good little soldier.

Shepard nodded. “Dismissed.”

James went straight to the starboard obs room, but Kaidan wasn’t there. He tried the mess, checked with Garrus, called in on Engineering oh-so-casually. Eventually, he gave up and went down to the shuttle bay. Esteban wasn’t around, which was kind of a shame since James was _this_ close to spilling everything to someone and really, it could only be Cortez. Then he noticed someone sitting on his bunk.

“James,” Kaidan said, standing. “I wondered where you were.”

“I’ve been looking for you,” James said, walking closer. 

“Shepard told you?”

“Yeah. _Dios_ , major, what am I gonna do when you’re gone?”

“Shepard won’t make any trouble for you,” Kaidan said. “He can be ruthless, I know, but he won’t jeopardise the mission over a personal issue. You’re a good soldier and he knows that. You’ll be fine.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” James said, a muscle ticking in his jaw. “So was it your idea or his?”

“I requested it but he didn’t fight me,” Kaidan said. “I think he’s probably glad to see the back of me.”

“And that’s what matters, right? What _he_ wants?” James knew he wasn’t being fair, that he was probably hurting Kaidan, but he was hurting too and this had been building for so long that he had to release it somewhere. “Fuck, _espectro_ , you could’ve at least warned me.”

“If I could have, I would, but there’s protocol to follow - ” 

James snorted, turned away. “When it suits you.”

Kaidan was angry now, blue crackling in his eyes as he strode over to James. “You think this is an easy situation for me? Tell me, was it you who was betrayed by their lover _again_? Was it you who decided to trust someone, hoped that maybe it’d be worth it this time, and then got stamped on?” Kaidan looked away then and asked, “Was it you who put their heart on the line and had it trampled?”

“You could say that,” James said, lifting his chin, exhilarated and afraid.

Kaidan frowned at him. “What?”

“Come on, man…I fuckin’ love you, okay?”

Something softened in Kaidan’s eyes. “How old are you, James?”

James gritted his teeth, huffed out a quick breath. “Twenty-eight. But if you’re going to give me some condescending bullshit about being young and naïve and not knowing my own heart…”

“I’m not,” Kaidan said quickly. “But you have a whole career in front of you, a whole universe of guys who are going to fall hard for someone as…hot and sweet and smart as you are.”

“I don’t want those guys, Kaidan. I want you,” James said, hating the desperation in his voice even as he hoped it’d work. “And don’t give me any bullshit about the regs, either. A few months ago, that would’ve bothered me. My career, making ranks, being a soldier – that was all I knew and it was all I wanted. But now…if I had you, you could take all that other shit away and I’d wave and kiss it goodbye.”

“You don’t have me, James.” Kaidan’s voice was soft but hit hard.

“But I could,” James persisted after a moment, after a breath. “If you’d just let it happen…” He reached out, slowly, traced his thumb over Kaidan’s cheekbone. The major’s eyes fluttered shut and James closed the distance, let his hand slide around to the back of his neck, leaned his forehead against Kaidan’s. “Please. I mean it. I love you.”

Kaidan took a deep breath that shuddered as it came out. “I can’t do it again,” he said quietly. “I’ve risked my career, my heart, too many times and had it thrown back in my face.”

“I won’t do that to you, _mi_ _corazón_ ,” James said, stroking the corner of Kaidan’s jaw with his thumb. Kaidan gripped James’s wrist but didn’t resist as James kissed his forehead, his cheek, finally his lips. James lifted his other hand to cup Kaidan’s jaw and hold their mouths together.

There were no tongues, no teeth, no grasping hands or rolling hips; just two people clinging to each other like the anchor in a storm, giving and taking comfort. It was the best kiss James could remember. But it ended too soon; Kaidan turned his head, and his breathlessness was satisfying but not enough.

“I can’t,” he said again. “Please, James. Don’t push this.”

James stepped back, scrubbed his hands through his hair to give them something to do other than grab Kaidan and make him change his mind. “So in 48 hours we dock at the Citadel and then what? That’s it?”

“That’s it,” Kaidan nodded, looking up at him. Those dark eyes were like liquid fire and James had to turn away.

“You better go pack, then,” James said to the bulkhead beside him.

“Yeah. Take care, James,” Kaidan said.

In the darkness, in the quiet, James sat on his bunk with his head in his hands. He was crying, but he wasn’t ashamed of it. It was soothing, healing, helping purge the pain that was clawing him up inside. He didn’t want Kaidan to leave, and couldn’t wait for Kaidan to leave.

A distant part of his brain was telling him this was why fraternisation regs existed, but he told that voice to fuck right off. He’d never loved anyone like he loved Kaidan. He wasn’t sure he ever would again. But once again, Shepard had screwed everything up for him. He didn’t even have the energy to be bitter about it, not yet. All he could do was keeping moving, one foot in front of the other, _fake it ‘til you make it_. One day it would stop hurting.

But not today.


	10. Beginnings

It was all over. The Reapers were gone, along with most of London. So was Anderson.

And so was Shepard.

Despite everything that had happened, James mourned the commander’s loss. Things between them had been strained and cold those last few weeks, but the respect he’d once had for Shepard came back gradually as he watched him negotiate and bludgeon and work himself into the ground, whatever it took to get the job done. He was glad they’d buried the hatchet, shared a handshake and a quiet moment before the final battle; the end of the world, and also the beginning.

Kaidan had been overseas somewhere during that final assault, the Alliance brass were as tight-lipped as they ever were and James couldn’t even find out if the major had made it. Time had dulled the pain of losing him, but he lingered still in James’s heart and mind and guts.

One night, over a bottle of mezcal that Esteban had somehow, miraculously managed to find, James told his friend everything that had happened. He told him how Kaidan was always there, behind his eyes; how he ached in his bones and grieved for something he’d never really had. Cortez was sympathetic, concerned, holding James tight as he fought a losing battle against bitter tears. In the morning James felt a little better, a little lighter, even with the weight of not knowing where Kaidan was now. If he was anywhere at all.

A few days later, over a meal of meagre rations and filtered rainwater, Cortez slid a torn piece of paper across the table. James read the name of a hospital, but it took a moment to register what it was.

“This is…?”

“Where Kaidan is. Yeah.”

“He’s alive?”

Cortez smiled. “He’s alive.”

James felt dizzy and light, like he might fall or float. “How did you…?”

“I’ve been asking around. One of the engineers working on the solar project was in the hospital with Kaidan. Told me last night that the major was still there when she was discharged last week.”

“How long does it take to get to Paris?” James asked, licking numb lips.

Cortez laughed. “You thinking of walking straight there, James?”

“If I gotta,” James said fiercely. There was a light in Cortez’s eyes, a tremor in his smile. “Ah, there’s the look. You really want to see him, don’t you?”

“I told you how I feel about him, Esteban,” James said. “That hasn’t changed.”

“In that case, there’s a shuttle leaving tomorrow. I had a word with Captain Kirrahe, he’s on his way there and could use another man on his squad.”

James nodded, excited and nervous, then stood and moved behind Cortez and hugged him hard around the ribs, head turned sideways against his back. “Thanks, man,” he mumbled against sweat-stained cotton, and Cortez’s chuckle vibrated through his ear.

* * *

 

James watched Kaidan. The major was in the patients’ lounge, propped up on crutches, weight resting on his good leg. He was talking to a group of soldiers and James watched them hang on Kaidan’s words, laugh along with him, smile and nod and give him the respect he deserved. The dull white of his cast looked too bright, somehow, and his skin was washed too pale in some places and bruised too dark in others.

Kaidan said goodbye to the group and began heading slowly for the door back to the wards. Once his back was turned to the others, James could see the pain and stress emerge on his face, only allowed out where nobody could see. Nobody but James.

He stepped out of the shadows, called Kaidan’s name. Kaidan glanced over, saw him standing there. Then that smile; lightning bolt to the dick.

“Hey, _espectro_ ,” James said, light and casual so Kaidan wouldn’t have to take the weight of the moment on those weary shoulders.

“James,” Kaidan said. The rasp of his voice was like nectar. “What are you doing here?”

James closed the distance between them. “Watching you. Apparently, that’s what I do now.”

Kaidan’s smile trembled, then he dropped his crutches and took the single step that would carry him into James’s arms. They held each other for a long time, oblivious to everyone around them. James felt Kaidan’s body shudder against him, and it was too thin and too frail but it was there, solid, breathing, and that was enough.

When they drew apart James said, “I’ve been reassigned here for a while. To Paris, I mean.”

Kaidan lifted a hand to touch James’s mouth, tracing the new scar that joined the old. “It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, I know.”

* * *

 

Three days later the cast came off, and in the meantime James spent every free minute at Kaidan’s side. They talked, swapped stories, ate together and laughed together and cried together. Neither of them mentioned what had happened before; neither of them needed to.

The first time they kissed was the day Kaidan was discharged. James walked him to his assigned lodgings, helped him unpack the paltry rations and bundle of clothes and housewares provided by the Alliance.

Kaidan was standing by the bedroom window, looking out across the ruins of what was once a beautiful city. James joined him and said, “Too bad I never got to see it the way it used to be. I hear it was pretty wonderful.”

“It was,” Kaidan said. He looked over at James, who looked back steadily.

“In case you were wondering, I still feel the same,” James said, risking it all on a turn of the cards.

Kaidan smiled. “I don’t.”

“Oh.” James was disappointed until he realised what Kaidan meant. After that, what else could he do but kiss him?

Their mouths moved together smoothly, tongues touching, teeth clashing gently. Kaidan’s hands fisted in the front of James’s shirt and he pulled the major against his body. He let Kaidan set the pace, mindful of his healing injuries, not wanting to push too far, too fast.

But Kaidan wasn’t in the mood to take it slow. His fingers crept under the hem of James’s shirt, dragging it up and off. James got Kaidan’s shirt off too and cradled his face to bring his lips back, licking into his mouth and stroking his jaw with both thumbs. Kaidan’s fingers danced down James’s chest, over his abs, and settled on his belt buckle. It slid open easily and Kaidan broke the kiss to shove James’s trousers down and unfasten his own. They kicked off their boots, pants, underwear, never breaking their gaze. Watching Kaidan’s face, his eyes, made James’s cock ache and leap.

The major’s body was thinner than it used to be but the muscle tone was there, hard pecs and ridged abs and a line of dark hairs that he wanted to lick his way down. Kaidan’s cock stood forward proudly and James felt a rush at knowing he’d got the major that hard, that fast.

“You’re staring, lieutenant,” Kaidan said, quirking a smile.

James laughed. “Yeah.” Then he pulled Kaidan against him again, rough hands over smooth skin, grasping _that ass_ to nestle their stiffening cocks together.

“James,” Kaidan sighed, a whisper and a groan.

“I got you,” James said against his mouth. “Always.”

They fell onto the bed, tangled together, kissing and touching and stroking in a blur of heat and sensation. After a while Kaidan rolled James onto his back, his narrow hips between James’s spread thighs, and kissed his way along the black tattoos on his chest.

“I wish I could be inside you,” he murmured against salty skin, fingers digging into James’s hips.

“Oh, fuck yes,” James panted. “That, I want that.”

Kaidan smiled. “We don’t have the right kit, and I don’t wanna hurt you.”

James grinned and propped himself up on his elbows. “I know a guy who knows a guy – move over.”

Kaidan let James up, chuckled as he pulled a small, bashed-up tube of lubricant from one of the cargo pockets on his fatigues.

“This is all we need, right?” James asked. “I mean, my last round of tests came back clean.”

“Yeah, mine too. Where the hell did you get that?” Kaidan asked.

“Esteban is one of the requisition officers back at the London base. He got it for me,” James grinned, laying back and letting Kaidan settle between his legs again. “He’s a sucker for a good romance.”

“That was very kind of him,” Kaidan said, squeezing some of the precious fluid onto his fingers.

“Yeah, I’ll send him a muffin basket,” James joked, to hide how hard his heart was beating. He let his head fall back to the bed as he felt Kaidan’s fingers gently slide between his cheeks. James raised his arms to stretch above his head and Kaidan leaned over to kiss the insides of his biceps, stubble tickling the sensitive skin. He lifted his head to look into James’s eyes as he pushed one slick finger into his ass.

James breathed out something that wasn’t quite a curse, wasn’t quite a sigh, and lifted his knees up towards his chest. Kaidan smiled and added a second finger, then a third; after a few strokes he found a better, deeper angle that sent electric shocks down James’s spine.

Kaidan carried on for a while, kissing James’s mouth and eyelids and chin and pecs. The heat of his tongue and curl of his fingers was driving James slowly crazy, desperate to be taken, but he didn’t want this ever to stop so he said nothing.

“How we doing?” Kaidan asked after what felt like forever.

“I’m good,” James nodded. “I’m ready.”

Kaidan knelt up to stroke lubricant over his bobbing erection. James couldn’t look away, almost faint with lust and how perfect this moment was. Then Kaidan leaned over to kiss him again, and James let his hands explore that muscled back. Two fingers eased the way until Kaidan’s cock was finally inside James where he’d always wanted it to be, ever since that moment in Vancouver when the world reordered itself around this man. This man, with the ruffled curls and sly smile; this man, with the good heart and kind eyes; this man, who nobody else could ever hold a candle to.

Kaidan’s head dropped and he clenched his jaw as he pushed further inside with shallow strokes, hands tucked behind James’s raised knees. James rubbed Kaidan’s back, gripped his ass and felt the muscles tense and relax with each short thrust of his hips. It felt so good, so perfect, even though they were in a falling-down apartment building with the world in ruins outside. None of that mattered compared to the soft panting sounds Kaidan was making, or the way he groaned James’s name among a string of swearwords, or the bead of sweat that trickled down his greying temple.

When he was all the way in, Kaidan went still. “You feel so good, James,” he said, chest heaving.

James couldn’t resist fondling those shining pecs, tweaking the dusky nipples. “I love this,” he said. “I love you.”

Kaidan’s smile slipped into a groan, brow furrowing, as James squeezed down on his cock. Then he started thrusting, slow and deep, almost out then all the way in. He let go of James’s legs and leaned over to kiss him again, and it was wet and a little sloppy but they were both so lost in the haze they didn’t care. Kaidan’s stomach was pressed to James’s rigid cock, abs grinding against it with every thrust, and James wanted more, more of everything, all at once, right now.

Then Kaidan moved a hand between their bodies to grip James’s shaft, and his rhythm wasn’t perfect and his grip slipped a little, but it had been so long and James wanted Kaidan so much that it didn’t take long before he came with a gasp and a sob. It was blinding and wonderful, better than he’d even imagined because it was finally _for real_ and not in his head.

Kaidan rested his cum-streaked hand on James’s heaving chest and looked down between them, at the sticky mess on their stomachs and his cock sliding in and out of James’s body.

“Fuck, James, you’re so fucking hot,” Kaidan groaned. He was breathy, hips jerking, barely holding on; the sound of his voice wrapped around those words wrung one last tremor out of James’s dick. Then Kaidan asked, “Can I come inside you?”

“Yeah,” James said, turning his face to kiss the inside of Kaidan’s forearm, propped beside his head. “Anything you want.”

Kaidan groaned and shouted and laughed as his release hit him, the joyous sound one of the best noises there’d ever been, ever could be. He pumped languorously into James a few more times, riding the wave, before letting his exhausted body drop to the bed beside him.

James rolled onto his side to face Kaidan, watched his chest rise and fall with every shattered breath. He traced gentle circles over Kaidan’s pecs, flattened his palm to feel the drumming heartbeat beneath the damp skin. Kaidan smiled and lifted a hand to rest on James’s.

“We should get cleaned up,” James said eventually, aware of the drying mess on their skin.

“In a minute,” Kaidan said, lips grazing James’s shoulder. “Just need another minute.”

“Whatever you want, _amante_ ,” James said, kissing his sweat-ruffled curls.

They lay there for a while longer, the sky going black beyond the window, the occasional hum of a shuttle or scout drone breaking the silence. The world had never been this quiet before, and it would take some getting used to.

“So I guess you heard about Shepard?” James asked; the question sounded too loud, too harsh, and he almost wanted to take it back.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said. There was a pause, then he said, “I think if he could’ve chosen how he died, a blaze of glory to save the universe would probably have been top of the list.”

“Loco to the end,” James agreed. “So listen, I know he was, uh, special – I mean, that he meant something to you…so I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk about him. If you need to, or if you want to…I wanna hear it. If it’d help.” He took a breath, frustrated at how hard it was to just say what he meant.

Kaidan turned onto his side so they were looking into each other’s eyes, inches apart. “Thank you,” he said softly, and kissed James sweetly. “I guess I’m still coming to terms with his death…whatever may have happened, he was…he was significant to me in lots of ways. And I want to be honest with you, James – I did love him, and somewhere in my heart I always will.”

“Yeah, I get that,” James nodded, swallowing down the bile and the envy.

Then Kaidan smiled, dazzling as the moonrise over Mars. “But Shepard is my past. _You_ are my future.”

“Oh,” James said, and it was all he could think of to say. He couldn’t stop grinning, and when Kaidan kissed him again James kissed back with everything he had.

“I know it took me a while to realise it, but…I love you,” Kaidan said. “All in.”

“All in,” James echoed, and they kissed again, and his cock stirred and Kaidan laughed.

If this was the end of the world, then James would take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And fade to black...
> 
> If you made it all the way here, then thanks for sticking with me! I've so appreciated the encouragement and feedback I've had on this story, and you guys are what make it worth all the hours in front of the screen.


End file.
